Sunday, 27 May 2007

BDSM Intolerance

Mz Raven from Informed Consent kindly gave me permission to re-post her story here:

I've decided to make my reply to a thread currently running on the boards, into a personal blog, but what I want is for people to think before making any sort or reply/response or action.

The subject running is about being “outed” and the consequences of this, there is one reply on the boards which is very well written and precise pointing out the pro's and cons of being outed or even outing yourself. But I feel this is now something I have grounds to comment upon. Yes ok, so you decide to “come clean” to a few people and you relay the basic dynamics of what BDSM is about to you.

Out of experience I can tell you that you will always get one of three responses, those that stand there, raise one eyebrow and go “hmmmmmmmm .. really?” .. or you will get, “errrrrrrrrr .. whats that then?” .. or the one that is most common is, “are you weird or what?” the last kind of response is what happens when people have a lack of understanding and then its down to you as the individual to explain yourself. (why explain yourself you may ask) basically if you don't the media profiles of all of us living this lifestyle turns many peoples minds towards the worse scenarios, ie that we are all deviant freaks that slaughter new born lambs before having wild sex in its offal. Not really the sort of thing that you want others to believe really.

Ok, so there are a lot of plus sides to being honest and open about who and what you are/like doing. But ….. from someone that knows the wrath the of ignorant others .. its really not worth taking the risk … what we all do is ALWAYS going to be considered weird, freakish, abnormal ect .. its not the norm to want to inflict pain or to receive it .. its not the norm to suspend your loved one from beams and set about them with a single tail, basically what we all do and live is not NORMAL in the regular nilla mundane capitalistic world we have to live in.

What I will go ahead to tell you all now is my own personal experience of being honest with people that I thought were friends .. It still upsets me to this day what myself and my family and close friends had to deal with.

So after telling my next door neighbours how I chose to live was first met with the “hmmmmmmmm really?” response .. they asked lots of questions and they seemed to gain a certain amount of understanding of who and what I am about .. no problem so far, then .. my feelings at that point were relief and comfort in knowing I was accepted for ME not WHAT. So cutting a very long story short these people over a period of a couple of months started to change their attitude towards me, they stopped popping in for coffee, they ignored me, their kids stopped talking/playing with mine. Well, ok, fair enough .. life was quiet so I didn't really allow myself to get too worked up about it all .. live and let live is my motto.

Well, that was until one Monday morning at 8am when a team of 10 police officers stood on my doorstep telling me that my house was going to be searched looking for evidence of a crime that I had “supposedly” committed. I was read my rights and arrested on suspicion of drugging and raping my next door neighbour!

My house was turned over by a bunch of overweight CID officers and a few plain clothes coppers, rifling through not only my private items but my childrens as well. They took great delight in trying to humiliate me with all manner of unnecessary questions when finding “the Kit” (and lets just say there's a lot of it Again cutting out a lot of the story here I was hauled down to the police station and after being locked in a cell for a period of time I was then questioned and “evidence” placed in front of me along with the “victims” statement. As previously mentioned it came about that I had gone into their home and drugged her coffee with amphetamines until the point she passed out, then I was supposed to have tied her down and raped her then took photos of her in said position. Okaaaaaayyyyy …… shock and revulsion hits home big time and a multitude of questions of my own… but at that point I was the criminal and had no grounds to ask anything of anyone (or so I was made to feel).

Basically these people had worked out that if they made enough fuss and made themselves victims of a crime they could get what they wanted from the state. They were a family living on benefits in a home that was too small for their needs, they were in a mountain of debt that they could not keep under control, he was a junkie she was a manic depressive. So they concocted a story so extreme, but with a self confessed pervert living next door what an opportunity to not to miss. Here was there get out clause of the avoiding bailiffs and court orders ect. A new life .. a new start with new names. Sounds great doesn't it .. and don't we all wish at times during our lives that we could all do this?

These people (who I say again, I considered to be friends) falsified evidence (including said mentioned photos, which I supposedly posted through there door to intimidate them) they made my life hell, I couldn't even walk 200 yards to the local shop without having abuse screamed at me or my kids, phone calls of people calling me a diseased freak .. people I have known for many years crossing the street to avoid being on the same path as me, the local neighbourhood watch focused solely on my house of ill repute, my kids teased, tormented and bullied at school and all through a couple of peoples SICK and WARPED minds to get what they wanted.

Well after 9 months of living a hell on earth, everything was dropped, there was no physical evidence against me what so ever, (surprise surprise!) they couldn't find my finger prints on the photos that I had allegedly sent, there was no drugs in my home, there was NONE of her DNA on any piece of my equipment, there was NONE of my DNA on or about her body. The case and all charges where then subsequently dropped. The police acknowledged that they concocted this story just because they could, no other reason than to get what they wanted without having to do anything for themselves. Nightmare over! Or was it? NO .. I still have to live here with everyone still whispering behind my back, those that did this to me are now living somewhere in bliss with everything they wanted. They know what they did was wrong but they don't care, they carry no guilt over what they did, they didn't care what lives they ruined on their own paths to get what they wanted from me .. so in retrospect. They have won. I cant prosecute them the police wont do anything to them and all because of the money needed to bring about charges upon them. So unless someone wants to donate in the region of £100K to me, these people will walk free and get away with everything.

What I will say though is throughout this growing acceptance of O/our chosen lifestyle there are many many like myself who have grown complacent with what we do, believing that everyone is going to be “OK” with us, not feeling the need to hide ourselves away behind closed doors because we want to be honest and open and spread the word to make others become understanding of what we are all about. Sorry people but life isn't as kind as that .. yes, you are going to get those that accept you but you will also find those that WON'T and refuse to believe that what we do is perfectly acceptable.. these people don't want to know .. they don't want to understand .. they don't want us upsetting there quiet nilla way of life where the missionary position is the best way. There are many details that I have purposely omitted from this blog and I am more than happy to divulge more details if its requested.

Just take this as a kind warning from someone that knows that being open and honest isn't always the best path to chose. Think very carefully before disclosing anything private about yourself or your partner, you might find yourself the victim of a scenario that you have no control over. Don't let my hell become yours. It's not a nice place to be.


You know, I hope some anti-BDSMers read this and re-think their prejudices against women who choose lifestyles they look down on.

14 comments:

belledame222 said...

...jesus.

what really slays me is how many "radicals," many of whom are quite aware of what "police state" means in other context, can suddenly be all But Officer Friendly Is Our Friend when it comes to shit like this. yeah, this one had the bad fortune of a really malicious neighbor, but...people lose custody of their kids, people get raided...

Trinity said...

oh but psh, Belle, kinky people are just the little darlings of the Patriarchy!

They'd never be bothered by little things like prison or losing custody of their children, they've got all the Patriarchy Approved Fucking (tm) to take their mind off silly things like little baby Jimmy!

Trinity said...

It all boils down, I think, to the same thing:

sex is just something people do for fun, and if you do it in the wrong way, you deserve what you get for being such a frivolous fool.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
verte said...

dear anonymous fuckwit,

I've deleted your comment. As mentioned earlier, this is a safe space, especially where other people's writing is concerned. If you're going to try and exercise your 'razor' wit, at least learn to spell.

kiss kiss.

Trinity said...

Verte,

I would have deleted that but it didn't let me, alas.

Marquise said...

What a horrible experience. I do hope you are recovering from the fall out and have been able to do a damage limitation exercise.

There are certainly pros and cons of “Coming Out”, and being outed in the fashion sounds horrendous.

As with life generally what is acceptable for one person may not be so for another. It all depends on the individual and their circumstances. A first step would be to weigh up the benefits and the downsides of being “out” for you personally. There is no doubt that there are potentially negative repercussions to owning up to our interests. However, there are also many life enhancing positives to be gained. If you are not 'out' it is impossible to tell those around you what you've been doing, and so end up hiding a vital part of yourself. There is also a risk of the false inference being made that, because one is secretive about it, then you 'must' be ashamed of it.

To declare your orientation you must first come to terms with defining what you are and with the fact that society then tells you that what you like is against moral teaching, even though you may be comfortable with, and indeed proud of it. You may reason that there can't be anything fundamentally wrong with thinking that a woman's feet are the most beautiful part of her body or that you enjoy spanking a willing partner (substitute whatever your particular fetish or preference is here), and you'd be right.

However, it is also important to remember that because some of us are living everyday with BDSM it is very easy to assume that things we think of as normal, some vanilla people will find strange or offensive. Or in this case, just be oppurtunistic shit stirrers.

Sexual currents of many kinds figure prominently among the suppressed emotions and result in embarrassment, shame, a sense that you are being selfish. BDSM is considered a dangerous practice not because it is 'harmful' but because it is misunderstood and challenges the collective moral decency of our age. But BDSM is a carnival of amorality that artfully allows ways of expressing powerful feelings. Knowing thyself, as I have so often recommended, means that we attempt to go beyond what we are told we ‘should’ enjoy to discover what identity and lifestyle is more reflective of our true self.

Of course, being true to yourself might mean many different things. It could mean keeping your tastes to fantasy. For some it means maintaining family ties that you feel would be damaged by an open revelation of your proclivities. In this case, you could only ever be selectively out. These fine lines between the outer and inner life, can only be decided on by you. Being as honest as I can be is the only way I can exist –although this doesn’t preclude tactfulness, but I know others who I respect and care for who have chosen different paths. Some favour suppression of their desires out of consideration for other things in their life that are equally valuable and which they have good reason to feel would be otherwise compromised.

But there can also be a value to other kinksters for each one who comes out. The more of us who are prepared to admit to what we are, the less likely it is that anyone can be persecuted for their sexuality. When someone is able to see you as likeable, and incorporate into their view of you that you are into kink, the more likely we can all gain acceptance or at least be able to keep the law out of our consenting activities.

I want tolerance for what I am and security in things like housing and the workplace. For you there may be other considerations, such as dependants or social 'respectability'. I am alarmed when our desires can still be used for attempts at blackmail or to call into question our ability to responsibly raise children or work in certain professions. There is much that is inaccurate about what we do in the minds of those who know no better, since no one has been able to enlighten them, for fear of castigation and stigmatisation.

If you do judge your sexual identity is too important to be suppressed, you must decide how much information you are willing to share with others. Consider the person. Are they likely to be judgmental? Do be prepared for your revelation to be met with incomprehension or hostility. They may be embarrassed that you have entered into this type of discussion.

All those that know of my BDSM activities have largely understood and supported me. No one has rejected me because of it, but I cannot guarantee the same for you. However, if you have embarked on “coming out”, I hope you can at least feel good about your self-assertiveness, regardless of the result. Small steps may slowly open the eyes of your friends. You could allude to a liking for leather garments. Note how dominant icons sell in TV advertisements.

I know that for some people, having a secret life is part of the thrill but is it not so that the more “out” you are the less you can be compromised by others? As such, I am selectively “out”. I balance kink, relationships and career. I would rather not have the hassle, but if a martyr for kink is called for, I am prepared to be so. My conscience clearly tells me that what I do is not wrong, and my belief in the truth setting us free, wins out over any penalties for being what I am that I may encounter. I know that in my Marquise persona I have the opportunity to benefit the scene directly through my writing and actions. I will continue to do this as long as my contributions give assistance to those who have the right to be reassured about the legitimacy of their desires and to alter public opinion to this effect. If you do decide to reveal your orientation, remember what Captain Beefheart said "you want to be a different fish; you gotta jump out of the school". Although in saying that, I hadn't read this horrendous tale and it seems that one of the reasons that fish don't jump out of the school is that they are justifiably trying to avoid the sharks!

Trinity said...

"BDSM is considered a dangerous practice not because it is 'harmful' but because it is misunderstood and challenges the collective moral decency of our age"

What does this sentence mean? I'm not sure what "collective moral decency" would be.

Marquise said...

I guess its a way of saying that the majority in our society have reservations about bdsm. This is reflected in legal prohibitions, religious institutions and the media. Not sure why I exactly chose that phrase, I was trying to convey what we are up against from detractors in the article overall. I don't go over every sentence with a fine tooth comb.

Anonymous said...

Verte, you seem to be excercising the kind of 'censorship' you so loathe - at least when others are doing it to you or persons of your persuasion. As for safe spaces, it is clear that you are happy to protect yours while at the same time invading that of others. Can you see it? Do you think you have the right to create an online space where you and others can discuss things that matter to you without being disturbed? I think you have that right. So do others. Other people have the right to safe online spaces - even when what they are saying goes against what you believe and what you feel.

verte said...

Verte, you seem to be excercising the kind of 'censorship' you so loathe - at least when others are doing it to you or persons of your persuasion.

dear anon,

I'm not censoring comments. As you'll have noticed, we are not moderating comments. BD and I have set out quite clearly that debate is welcomed. Patronising or offensive crap is not. I criticised Charliegrrl because she had told some outright lies about me personally on that particular blog and was given no chance to defend myself in that space. That was my issue. I have no desire to create a space where all the comments are just 'i agree 100%' like some of the radical feminist blogs I've seen out there. I don't get the point of running a blog or purporting to be a community if you're only allow a few 'elitist' members of that community to partake in your space. I'm all for people with opposing viewpoints 'invading' this space as long as they can conduct themselves with some degree of civility.

On the other hand, if people leave offensive or downright rude comments here, especially on posts written by other people, we're deleting them.

Also, I've never posted anonymously on any radical feminist blog. I have no fear of people who disagree with me reading my words. And I'll continue to read and leave comments where I choose, even if I know they won't get through.

Anonymous said...

'we are not moderating...if people leave offensive or downright rude comments here...we're deleting them'

Exactly, you have double standards. Just to drive it home:

deletion=moderation

'I've never posted anonymously on any radical feminist blog'

Really? Or is it just that you don't recognise that

pseudonym=anonymous

Anonymous said...

'anonymous fuckwit'

Is that an insult? Is if 'offensive or downright rude'? Does that mean you have to delete it? Or does 'people' in 'if people leave offensive or downright rude comments here, especially on posts written by other people, we're deleting them' refer to 'people' other than yourself? Or 'people' that don't agree with you?

theexilesclan said...

Of course, the writer is completely fair.