Guest Post: Renegade Evolution on "Verbal Degradation"

Recently an anonymous commenter left the following remarks to a post here, in whose comments I and other regulars attempted to explain BDSM to a radical feminist visitor. We stressed the "nice" parts of BDSM: the negotiation, the positive feelings it can bring up, the intimacy, etc. Our anonymous visitor felt, apparently, that we've made BDSM sound too nicey-nice:

I'll also say here that some of the posts here strike me as unnecessarily whitewashing this sexuality. I'm not sure- perhaps our sexualities simply differ. But still, the fact is, I kink on heirarchy. Unfairness is hot. And yeah, I kink on humiliation too. All those posts about how we're actually equal, how wearing a collar can mean so many different things, rings hollow to me. I'm here because I adore power exchange dynamics and because being lead around on a leash makes me feel like a dog.

I added my own comments, but I want here to post the comments of the inimitable Renegade Evolution. I would just give her guest post access, but the owner of the blog actually isn't me, so for all I post here, I'm not the one who can do that. So here are Ren's own words, unedited, as she sent them to me:

Filthography- One Woman's take on the allure of verbal degradation & humiliation.

Right then. I preface this with saying I am no expert on BDSM. No way in hell could I talk about topping or being a sub like most of the folk here, no way I am prepared to discuss the proper way to execute suspension bondage or what is better for the task at hand, leather, synthetic, or horse hair. I'm just sort of a generalized perv who digs rough sex and a few other kinks and quirks. Two big among them being verbal degradation and humiliation. That shit I dig, in so much I have sought out a profession that often contains components of my preferred perviness (after all, if you have to work, you might as well like your job). And something that is often asked is…Why?

Well, I can't answer the why for everyone. I can't say with any sense of absolute authority why anyone other than myself would get off on being called names, used sexually, objectified, degraded and humiliated- or get off on doing those things to other people- but I can delve into why I like it, and what I think the allure is. And some of it may ring true for actual BDSM enthusiasts, and some of it may not, but hey, I'll give it a go.

One, I think for all the labels of deviant and fucked up or whatever else, expressions of non-traditional sexual behavior, kink, as it were, are ultimately cerebral, and ultimately human. People, after all, are not all happy shiny wonderful honorable wonder and light. They just aren't. People have dark sides. People have ugly sides. People have aggressive streaks and snide moments and greedy motivations. They have times in which they like to test themselves. They have seedy or sadistic or submissive or cold moments. And people can examine endlessly if they want, look at cultural modifiers and implications and influences all they want, this does not change the fact that people are wired with both admirable and less than admirable quirks and urges, and it does not change the fact that in some way or another, these things will come out. That might be in a controlled way, or an uncontrolled way, it might be exercised, it might explode. But these things are there, and I think denying them is actually pretty bad for ones health, so yeah, giving the dark side some airtime? Not a bad move in my book. Some people do this via art; some do it via writing or music. Some people sick it out into private journals or channel it into contact sports. I rather like letting loose with it in sex. Consenting sexual contact between adults, of course, but yeah…I'm big on good old fashioned hate fucking. In short, I like my sex…ugly. Ugly beautiful, but ugly. I have to be "good, caring, socially acceptable, generally polite human" every day of the week, so when it comes to fucking, I don't want to be that human, I want to be the other part. The animal part, the selfish part, the mean or cruel or dehumanized part, the not human-objectified part. Yeah, I am odd like that…

I know many people engage in verbal degradation or humiliation as part of a role playing exercise, and enjoy it because they know their partner doesn't really mean what they are saying, or the context is reclaimed or specialized, where the words and acts are not truly intended to be ugly, but rather something special and ritualized and actually, a signifier of trust or intimacy or affection between the parties involved…I'm not one of those people. When people, in a sexual context, say ugly things to me, as it were, I want them to mean it. I don't need that shit prettied up or justified. If anything "nice" need be in there, a sense of awe will do. I want what is ugly to be as real there as when I look at a flower and find it pretty. I want it real. Horrible me, I know, engaging in such things, but yeah…I like the power plays and domination and control and all the actual selfish, "using", ID driven crap to be real. Make it in color, do it like you mean it. If some guy is going to grab my hair, calling me a filthy whore, pitch me on my back, and tell me to choke on his fucking cock…it better be believable. And if I'm going to call some dude a worthless meatsack, kick out the back of his knees, and drill him up the ass with a strap on like a piece of stinking meat…I want him to believe I mean what I say…because I do. If someone is going to present me to a group of people, rip off my top and bang me on the coffee table, I don't want it to be a matter of "look at what I have, isn't she wonderful", I want it to be a matter of whomever actually wanting to humiliate me and objectify and use me. I want it to be as real and as dehumanized as consenting people can get. In fact, the only consideration I'm interested in is the consent. I don't want some guy pissing on me because it's part of some elaborate kinkster game…I want him pissing on me because at that moment, what I'm worth is being pissed on. I want it to be real. I want the ugly beautiful. I even go for being the objectified and used party far more often than not, because in the daily have to be a nice human world? Yeah, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and highly complimented control freak.

And while sure, there is some smirking nod at "transgressive"; it's not about that. Not for me anyway. I dig the seedy and brutal and mean. I want the dark side, the sneering, greedy, contempt-filled use and objectification and callous pursuit of pleasure. That, to me, is the allure. That is the attraction. That is what makes it, for me, hot. Because it's not pretty. It's not nice. It's not loving or contextualized or reclaimed or any of that. It's selfish, crass, and not subject to after-care. It's ugly and visceral and…human. That's the allure, the turn on, the thrill, what makes me wet. Because we all have dark sides. And this is where and how I chose to exercise mine. And words? Words do matter, almost as much as actions. I want them to talk to me like they hate me, and fuck me the same way.

We all have our quirks.